I’m not sure whether it’s the fact that it’s Christmas, or just that #shereadstruth has been hitting my heart right where it’s needed. Jesus is so good.
Following a prompt from the Ruth plan I just finished, I wrote this. My heart was filled with a lot of angst, regret, discouragement, and pain when I wrote these words…As I tapped my circumstances into my keyboard, I could feel the Lord lifting the burden off of my shoulders and equipping me with newfound strength which, in turn, effected what was being strung together on the screen. I didn’t know if I should share this with you, because it’s hard for me to admit my own failures. But this was a God moment. A reawakening of my slumbering soul, and I wanted to share with you what He said to me.
Written a week ago.
Every musing begins with a question.
And today’s is a prompt from #shereadstruth.
How am I viewing myself based on my circumstances?
I’m here to share with you, that I don’t feel beautiful, loved, or redeemed.
The names in my head are ugly: sinner, liar, cheat, player, shallow, with a facade, a disgrace.
They’re ugly, and tattooed onto the deepest parts of my being.
I am looking in the mirror at the choices being reflected in my heart and displayed on my countenance. Ugly gashes and marks, scars and burns from the searing of sin and the blows of my own words. It’s oh so painful to look at the picture of last year, and see a countenance glowing and radiating the word and love of God standing next to the mirror of this year with the brutality of sin displayed across every ounce of my being. Words are inked across my face, lust is drawn across my heart, names are tattooed on my hands and they run up and down my arms.
I hate those words.
I hate them.
I hate that I’ve become the person I despised last year.
I hate that I can’t look in the mirror and see Jesus’ daughter, but rather a child fallen away from her father.
Who am I this year?
Different. very different.
But all this is fading away, quietly, quickly, and surely.
Slowly, the sun is creeping into my veins and slowly hope is melting away the fear and doubt and disgrace I feel.
I am not my circumstances or my choices, my actions, or my words.
Slowly but surely, bitter is no longer my name. Slowly but surely, gashes and scars and burns from sin are not what makes my days. I’ve cried out over and over for the name of Jesus to be power to me once more. And once more, I’m realizing he’s been whispering his name to me this whole time.
No longer are the bandaids falling off and having to be replaced every day – soiled from the days wounds.
No longer is my heart going to ache under the sting of Satan’s lies. No longer are my arms tattooed with those names. No more are the burns ugly. No more are the scars reminders of my failure.
Oh, no. Jesus, my Jesus. Calls me, calls them…beautiful.
I fall at his feet, quivering and wretched. He draws my hand near to him, placing my weakness down, drawing my heart once more to his.
The sun is rising slowly but surely. I am waiting. And I am regaining strength – just as he’s promised.
When it’s dark and it’s cold and I can’t feel my soul
You are so good
When the world is gone gray and the rain is here to stay
You are still good
So with every breath I take in
I’ll tell You I am grateful again
And the storm may swell even then
It is well and You are good
So how can I thank You, what can I bring?
What can these poor hands lay at the feet of the King?
I’ll sing You this love song, it’s all that I have
To tell You I’m grateful for holding my life in Your hands
[ You are Good – Point of Grace ]
I carry your name for all of my days as my own because you’ve taken me by the hand and dealt beautifully with me.
Jesus. My Jesus.
That is all I need.
His promises are always true, his grace never ending, and his love deeper than we can fathom.
So, in whatever circumstance you find yourself in, I encourage you to breathe deep in the pages that detail His love for you.