12:40pm. Cup of coffee in hand, and a lot of things on my mind.
Today is going to be a bit of a different post…No outfits, no lipstick recommendations, no october favorites. Just thoughts.
I was up last night writing a letter to a dear friend of mine, and I realized just how beautiful vulnerability is. It’s so easy for me to sit behind this computer, to stand behind my instagram posts as if everything is going perfectly right. I’m here to tell you that my life isn’t put together all the time. It’s been a nutsy week…I’ve felt the pull of a job, school, and life like I have never before. Night after night it seems like, I’m using up more emotional stamina than naught. Day after day, the task of crawling out of bed is proving to be hard because my energy just isn’t being replenished.
I’m not sick and I’m not depressed…I’m just absolutely exhausted.
21 hours of work, around 72 hours of homework, 2 hours for tv, 61 hours of sleep.
The to do list never ends, the homework is never actually done, and when it is, I’m piling in the car for another shift.
This is my crazy [emphasis on this word], beautiful life.
It’s been nutsy, nonstop, and absolutely grueling for the last few weeks.
if you were to look in my head right now you’d see a lot of things. You’d see a lot of “I wish’s” a lot of, “why’s”, a lot of “give me strength, Lord’s” a lot of “I am so weary’s”. These phrases seem to be playing themselves over and over in my head all ending in the phrase – I just, I just need a break.
There have been small, 10 minute periods, in which there has been room in my schedule to just sit on my moms bed and listen to her voice praying over me. There is room for crying and tears and prayers, but that’s where it seems to end.
I was sitting on my bed today [the whole, legs in the indian style, sweats on, nails chipped, pencil in hand routine] doing [surprise surprise] homework. I put my book down just for a minute so I could text my best friend, asking her to pray for me. The overwhelming feeling, which has become so normal to me as of recent, began to creep on to me. Up my throat, ascending up my arms, up my face, into my thoughts. Slowly but surely that need for freedom began to overtake. Yells of “why?” and “I just need a break!” and “where’d the beauty go?” bounced off the walls of my head. I ached to be free, to just be able to take a walk without having to glance at the clock.
And then all of a sudden He spoke. Jesus spoke in words as clear and as wonderful as they could possibly be. “This, your right now, is your perfect place for October 31, 2014 at 11:00am.”
They flowed out of my heart, took over my vains, and planted themselves right where those screams were. They numbed that overwhelmed feeling, and caused that “I need to get out” to disappear.
Yes, my soul seemed to sigh.
Tired and exhausted and frail as I am, I am placed in the perfect place for the right now. I need not fear or grow weary. He is good.
I have always been a lover of the season of crunchy leaves. On Wednesday, I had that overwhelming “why” feeling again so I quick grabbed the camera, took off my shoes and ran. Stopping only to take pictures of the scenery that caught my eye [and to examine a scratched toe from the pokey sticks]. Oh it was a beautiful thing. Cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling, heart soaring, hands numbed. Circumstances hadn’t changed, and yet something else did.
All of a sudden, my soul was still and my heart quivered naught under the strain of the day.
I stayed out there for a half an hour [at least!] and came back inside with fresh zest for the stack of homework that sat upon my desk.
Word to the wise: Sometimes a break is much needed. Take your shoes off, go feel the texture of the crunchy leaves on the lightly-tanned toes, breath deep the smell of the season, feel the pleasure of the Lord, and just be.
My Lord has been showing himself to me in simple ways. He’s shown himself to me through the hug of teacher, through the exact answers to my simple prayers, through the crunchy leaves on the ground and the grass that had been cooled from the evening light, through the season that has been [sadness] rapidly leaving, and through the infallible sunset at the end of the day that had seemed to go from bad-worse.
Yes my Lord is good. And I will sing.
Still my soul be still
And do not fear
Though winds of change may rage tomorrow
God is at your side
No longer dread
The fires of unexpected sorrow
God You are my God
And I will trust in You and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew
A steadfast spirit within me
To rest in You alone
Still my soul be still
Do not be moved
By lesser lights and fleeting shadows
Hold onto His ways
With shield of faith
Against temptations flaming arrows
Still my soul be still
Do not forsake
The Truth you learned in the beginning
Wait upon the Lord
And hope will rise As stars appear when day is dimming
Still my Soul – Keith and Kristyn Getty